I was reading the comment of the person who said they rededicated their life to Christ in addendum to what you wrote, and I'm randomly thinking about the fact that I've had someone who had been taunting me (in different forms) for years, so much that I switch spaces when I feel their presence, and last year, I decided to “forgive them.”
This year, I realised that I was not over it. Not because I wanted to be malicious, but because it felt… unforgivable. Some months ago, I remember saying to myself, “I am human, and God is God. I will forgive at my pace.” This has been my resolve. I hope I come to truly and really forgive them.
there’s so much pressure around forgiveness, this idea that if you’re really spiritual, really mature, really healed, you just do it. cleanly. completely. no mess, no lingering bitterness. but that’s not how it works for most of us. Definitely not me. and the honesty in what you said, “i realized i was not over it. not because i wanted to be malicious, but because it felt… unforgivable”. That’s where real healing actually starts. not in pretending you’re over something when you’re not. but in admitting: this is still here. this still hurts. and i don’t know how to let it go yet.
the fact that you decided to “forgive them” last year and then realized this year you weren’t over it? that’s not failure. that’s you being honest with yourself about where you actually are versus where you thought you should be. because forgiveness isn’t a switch you flip once and it’s done. it’s more like peeling an onion. layer after layer. and sometimes you think you’ve dealt with it, and then something happens; you feel their presence, hear their name, remember something they said and suddenly you’re back at the beginning. or at least it feels that way.
but I’ve realized that “the coming back to it, the having to choose forgiveness again” is part of the process. it’s not starting over. it’s going deeper. because the first time you forgive, you’re forgiving what’s on the surface. the obvious stuff. but there are layers underneath. wounds you didn’t even know were there. and those take time. those require you to sit with the pain, acknowledge it, let God into those spaces you’ve been protecting.
“i will forgive at my pace.” that’s not avoidance. that’s wisdom. because God doesn’t rush healing( He never promised quickly, just in His own time 😉). He doesn’t demand that you forgive before you’re ready and then shame you when you can’t. He’s patient. He knows how deep the wound goes. and He’s willing to walk with you through every layer, however long it takes.
the person who’s been taunting you for years, you switching spaces to avoid them, carrying that weight everywhere you go, that’s real. that hurt is real. and the fact that it feels unforgivable? that’s you being honest with yourself. some things do feel that way. especially when they’re repeated. when it’s not just one moment but years of small cuts that add up to something really deep.
And then, you hoping you’ll come to truly and really forgive them one day? that hope is the seed. that’s where forgiveness starts. not in having already arrived, but in being willing to get there eventually. even if you don’t know when. even if right now it still feels impossible.
you’re not behind. you’re not failing. you’re just human. and God is God. and that’s enough.
keep going at your pace and I’m glad this resonated with you ❤️🙏
The idea of “going deeper” instead of “starting over” is something I hadn’t quite named for myself, but it makes a lot of sense. It takes away that subtle feeling of failure that comes with thinking you’ve already forgiven once.
I think what I’m learning is how to sit with the discomfort of not being there yet, without rushing myself into a version of healing that isn’t honest.
I recently rededicated my life to Christ sometime last year and I’ve learnt so much about forgiveness that I realized I haven’t actually forgiven the people that wronged me like I thought I had forgiven them
How do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad especially your family,your ex friend that wronged you in ways you never thought were possible,or what of someone who died and you discovered something that the person did in the past but discovering it is what hurts the most and the person isn’t even here for you to confront them and at least get an apology that would help ease the pain in a way
I was in the same space last week with a girl that hurt me so much in secondary school and everytime we were together I felt like I was suffocating I mean it’s been up to seven years and yes we were so young then but each time I saw her I remembered the mean words she said to me,how much she body shamed me back then and in that moment I realized that no matter how much I lied to myself that I had healed and forgiven her and all those who hurt me back then I still carry that hurt and it’s buried deep down and it resurfaces whenever I meet any of them
For me forgiveness is so hard because the people that hurt me were people I called my family I think it would’ve been easier if they were strangers
But when I think about how God forgave me for all my sins and mistakes and how much He loves me unconditionally regardless of everything it makes me want to do the same,to show mercy to the people who hurt me but then it’s so hard because I never got an apology
that’s the hardest realization, isn’t it? because you thought you’d dealt with it. moved on. let it go. and then you’re in a room with someone who hurt you seven years ago and suddenly you’re suffocating. the words they said come back like they were spoken yesterday. the body shaming. the mean comments. all of it, still there. buried but not dead. and you realize: you didn’t forgive them. you just stopped thinking about them. which isn’t the same thing.
you asked the hardest question: how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad, especially your family? your ex-friend? what about someone who died—someone you discovered did something terrible in the past, and now they’re not even here for you to confront? i don’t have an easy answer for you. because real forgiveness, the kind that actually heals isn’t just saying “i forgive you” and moving on. it’s a process. and it’s messy. and sometimes it takes years. but here’s what i’m learning: forgiveness isn’t about them. it’s about you. not in a selfish way. but in a “you’re the one still carrying this” way. the person who hurt you in secondary school? she’s probably moved on. maybe she doesn’t even remember what she said. but you do. you carry it. and every time you see her, it’s like reopening a wound that never properly healed. that’s the weight forgiveness is meant to lift. not for her sake. for yours.
“for me forgiveness is so hard because the people that hurt me were people i called my family. i think it would’ve been easier if they were strangers.” This!!. because strangers don’t have access to your soft parts. they can’t wound you the way family can. they don’t know where your weaknesses are, where to aim to cause maximum damage. but family does. friends do. the people closest to you, they’re the ones who can hurt you most deeply. because you trusted them. you let them in. and they used that access against you. and the worst part? you never got an apology. no acknowledgment of the harm. no “i’m sorry, i was wrong.” just silence. or worse, denial. or worse still, they’re gone, and you’ll never get the closure you need. so how do you forgive that?
i think we misunderstand forgiveness. we think it means forgetting what happened, pretending it didn’t hurt, letting them back into your life like nothing happened, saying “it’s okay” when it’s not. but forgiveness isn’t any of those things. forgiveness is releasing your right to revenge. it’s saying: “what you did was wrong. it hurt me. but i’m not going to spend the rest of my life making you pay for it.” it doesn’t mean reconciliation. you can forgive someone and still keep distance. you can forgive and still have boundaries. you can forgive and never speak to them again. because forgiveness isn’t about restoring the relationship. it’s about freeing yourself from the prison of bitterness.
you said something beautiful: “when i think about how God forgave me for all my sins and mistakes and how much He loves me unconditionally regardless of everything, it makes me want to do the same.” that’s the heart of it tbh. that’s why we’re commanded to forgive. not because people deserve it. but because we’ve been forgiven for things we didn’t deserve forgiveness for. Ephesians 4:32 says it: “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” the standard isn’t whether they apologized. it’s whether you’ve been forgiven. and if you have, if you’ve experienced grace for your own mess, then you’re called to extend it to others. but here’s what that doesn’t mean: it doesn’t mean it’s easy. it doesn’t mean it happens overnight. and it doesn’t mean you do it alone.
i can’t tell you exactly how to forgive. but i can tell you what’s helped me when i’ve been stuck in the same place. name the hurt. don’t minimize it. don’t spiritualize it away with “i should just forgive and move on.” sit with it. write it down in a journal or so. say out loud what they did and how it affected you. you can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. grieve what you lost. forgiveness often requires grief. grieving the relationship you thought you had. grieving the version of them you thought existed. grieving the apology you’ll never get. separate forgiveness from reconciliation. you can forgive someone and never see them again. you can forgive and still protect yourself from future harm. forgiveness doesn’t require you to be unsafe. pray for them, even if you don’t want to. this one sounds impossible, i know. but there’s something that shifts when you start praying for the people who hurt you. not because they deserve it. but because it’s hard to hate someone you’re genuinely praying for. it breaks something in you. softens the bitterness. and give it time. forgiveness isn’t a one-time decision. it’s a thousand small choices. every time the memory comes back, you choose again: “i release this. i’m not carrying it anymore.” and slowly; painfully slowly, the weight lifts.
you don’t have to forgive today. you don’t even have to forgive this year. but maybe start by being honest: “i haven’t forgiven them yet. and i don’t know if i can.” and then ask God to help you want to forgive. not to force yourself into it. but to soften your heart enough that forgiveness becomes possible. because here’s the truth: you can’t do this on your own. none of us can. we’re not strong enough to forgive the way God calls us to forgive. but He is. and if you ask Him to do the work in you that you can’t do yourself, He will. it won’t be instant. it won’t be easy. but it will come.
you’re not failing by struggling with this, stranger. you’re just being honest. and that’s the first step. keep going. 💙
I think one that that I’m sitting with right now is the part where you said forgiveness is a process and to me, that’s the best way for me to deal with.
It’s not like a band aid that I can just completely rip off instantly. Some times, I allow myself take the steps to forgiveness.
Because I also believe that forgiveness is more about letting myself be free from that hate and bitterness.
You write so beautifully. The most beautiful thing about this piece is that it refuses to make forgiveness feel cheap. Forgiveness isn’t something to be treated as easy or sentimental, but as one of the hardest and most human choices we are ever asked to make, a choice that does not erase pain, but refuses to let it define the end of the story.
I was reading the comment of the person who said they rededicated their life to Christ in addendum to what you wrote, and I'm randomly thinking about the fact that I've had someone who had been taunting me (in different forms) for years, so much that I switch spaces when I feel their presence, and last year, I decided to “forgive them.”
This year, I realised that I was not over it. Not because I wanted to be malicious, but because it felt… unforgivable. Some months ago, I remember saying to myself, “I am human, and God is God. I will forgive at my pace.” This has been my resolve. I hope I come to truly and really forgive them.
This was a very pensive read.
there’s so much pressure around forgiveness, this idea that if you’re really spiritual, really mature, really healed, you just do it. cleanly. completely. no mess, no lingering bitterness. but that’s not how it works for most of us. Definitely not me. and the honesty in what you said, “i realized i was not over it. not because i wanted to be malicious, but because it felt… unforgivable”. That’s where real healing actually starts. not in pretending you’re over something when you’re not. but in admitting: this is still here. this still hurts. and i don’t know how to let it go yet.
the fact that you decided to “forgive them” last year and then realized this year you weren’t over it? that’s not failure. that’s you being honest with yourself about where you actually are versus where you thought you should be. because forgiveness isn’t a switch you flip once and it’s done. it’s more like peeling an onion. layer after layer. and sometimes you think you’ve dealt with it, and then something happens; you feel their presence, hear their name, remember something they said and suddenly you’re back at the beginning. or at least it feels that way.
but I’ve realized that “the coming back to it, the having to choose forgiveness again” is part of the process. it’s not starting over. it’s going deeper. because the first time you forgive, you’re forgiving what’s on the surface. the obvious stuff. but there are layers underneath. wounds you didn’t even know were there. and those take time. those require you to sit with the pain, acknowledge it, let God into those spaces you’ve been protecting.
“i will forgive at my pace.” that’s not avoidance. that’s wisdom. because God doesn’t rush healing( He never promised quickly, just in His own time 😉). He doesn’t demand that you forgive before you’re ready and then shame you when you can’t. He’s patient. He knows how deep the wound goes. and He’s willing to walk with you through every layer, however long it takes.
the person who’s been taunting you for years, you switching spaces to avoid them, carrying that weight everywhere you go, that’s real. that hurt is real. and the fact that it feels unforgivable? that’s you being honest with yourself. some things do feel that way. especially when they’re repeated. when it’s not just one moment but years of small cuts that add up to something really deep.
And then, you hoping you’ll come to truly and really forgive them one day? that hope is the seed. that’s where forgiveness starts. not in having already arrived, but in being willing to get there eventually. even if you don’t know when. even if right now it still feels impossible.
you’re not behind. you’re not failing. you’re just human. and God is God. and that’s enough.
keep going at your pace and I’m glad this resonated with you ❤️🙏
Thank you for this.
The idea of “going deeper” instead of “starting over” is something I hadn’t quite named for myself, but it makes a lot of sense. It takes away that subtle feeling of failure that comes with thinking you’ve already forgiven once.
I think what I’m learning is how to sit with the discomfort of not being there yet, without rushing myself into a version of healing that isn’t honest.
I really appreciate the way you framed this.
I recently rededicated my life to Christ sometime last year and I’ve learnt so much about forgiveness that I realized I haven’t actually forgiven the people that wronged me like I thought I had forgiven them
How do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad especially your family,your ex friend that wronged you in ways you never thought were possible,or what of someone who died and you discovered something that the person did in the past but discovering it is what hurts the most and the person isn’t even here for you to confront them and at least get an apology that would help ease the pain in a way
I was in the same space last week with a girl that hurt me so much in secondary school and everytime we were together I felt like I was suffocating I mean it’s been up to seven years and yes we were so young then but each time I saw her I remembered the mean words she said to me,how much she body shamed me back then and in that moment I realized that no matter how much I lied to myself that I had healed and forgiven her and all those who hurt me back then I still carry that hurt and it’s buried deep down and it resurfaces whenever I meet any of them
For me forgiveness is so hard because the people that hurt me were people I called my family I think it would’ve been easier if they were strangers
But when I think about how God forgave me for all my sins and mistakes and how much He loves me unconditionally regardless of everything it makes me want to do the same,to show mercy to the people who hurt me but then it’s so hard because I never got an apology
that’s the hardest realization, isn’t it? because you thought you’d dealt with it. moved on. let it go. and then you’re in a room with someone who hurt you seven years ago and suddenly you’re suffocating. the words they said come back like they were spoken yesterday. the body shaming. the mean comments. all of it, still there. buried but not dead. and you realize: you didn’t forgive them. you just stopped thinking about them. which isn’t the same thing.
you asked the hardest question: how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad, especially your family? your ex-friend? what about someone who died—someone you discovered did something terrible in the past, and now they’re not even here for you to confront? i don’t have an easy answer for you. because real forgiveness, the kind that actually heals isn’t just saying “i forgive you” and moving on. it’s a process. and it’s messy. and sometimes it takes years. but here’s what i’m learning: forgiveness isn’t about them. it’s about you. not in a selfish way. but in a “you’re the one still carrying this” way. the person who hurt you in secondary school? she’s probably moved on. maybe she doesn’t even remember what she said. but you do. you carry it. and every time you see her, it’s like reopening a wound that never properly healed. that’s the weight forgiveness is meant to lift. not for her sake. for yours.
“for me forgiveness is so hard because the people that hurt me were people i called my family. i think it would’ve been easier if they were strangers.” This!!. because strangers don’t have access to your soft parts. they can’t wound you the way family can. they don’t know where your weaknesses are, where to aim to cause maximum damage. but family does. friends do. the people closest to you, they’re the ones who can hurt you most deeply. because you trusted them. you let them in. and they used that access against you. and the worst part? you never got an apology. no acknowledgment of the harm. no “i’m sorry, i was wrong.” just silence. or worse, denial. or worse still, they’re gone, and you’ll never get the closure you need. so how do you forgive that?
i think we misunderstand forgiveness. we think it means forgetting what happened, pretending it didn’t hurt, letting them back into your life like nothing happened, saying “it’s okay” when it’s not. but forgiveness isn’t any of those things. forgiveness is releasing your right to revenge. it’s saying: “what you did was wrong. it hurt me. but i’m not going to spend the rest of my life making you pay for it.” it doesn’t mean reconciliation. you can forgive someone and still keep distance. you can forgive and still have boundaries. you can forgive and never speak to them again. because forgiveness isn’t about restoring the relationship. it’s about freeing yourself from the prison of bitterness.
you said something beautiful: “when i think about how God forgave me for all my sins and mistakes and how much He loves me unconditionally regardless of everything, it makes me want to do the same.” that’s the heart of it tbh. that’s why we’re commanded to forgive. not because people deserve it. but because we’ve been forgiven for things we didn’t deserve forgiveness for. Ephesians 4:32 says it: “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” the standard isn’t whether they apologized. it’s whether you’ve been forgiven. and if you have, if you’ve experienced grace for your own mess, then you’re called to extend it to others. but here’s what that doesn’t mean: it doesn’t mean it’s easy. it doesn’t mean it happens overnight. and it doesn’t mean you do it alone.
i can’t tell you exactly how to forgive. but i can tell you what’s helped me when i’ve been stuck in the same place. name the hurt. don’t minimize it. don’t spiritualize it away with “i should just forgive and move on.” sit with it. write it down in a journal or so. say out loud what they did and how it affected you. you can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. grieve what you lost. forgiveness often requires grief. grieving the relationship you thought you had. grieving the version of them you thought existed. grieving the apology you’ll never get. separate forgiveness from reconciliation. you can forgive someone and never see them again. you can forgive and still protect yourself from future harm. forgiveness doesn’t require you to be unsafe. pray for them, even if you don’t want to. this one sounds impossible, i know. but there’s something that shifts when you start praying for the people who hurt you. not because they deserve it. but because it’s hard to hate someone you’re genuinely praying for. it breaks something in you. softens the bitterness. and give it time. forgiveness isn’t a one-time decision. it’s a thousand small choices. every time the memory comes back, you choose again: “i release this. i’m not carrying it anymore.” and slowly; painfully slowly, the weight lifts.
you don’t have to forgive today. you don’t even have to forgive this year. but maybe start by being honest: “i haven’t forgiven them yet. and i don’t know if i can.” and then ask God to help you want to forgive. not to force yourself into it. but to soften your heart enough that forgiveness becomes possible. because here’s the truth: you can’t do this on your own. none of us can. we’re not strong enough to forgive the way God calls us to forgive. but He is. and if you ask Him to do the work in you that you can’t do yourself, He will. it won’t be instant. it won’t be easy. but it will come.
you’re not failing by struggling with this, stranger. you’re just being honest. and that’s the first step. keep going. 💙
I think one that that I’m sitting with right now is the part where you said forgiveness is a process and to me, that’s the best way for me to deal with.
It’s not like a band aid that I can just completely rip off instantly. Some times, I allow myself take the steps to forgiveness.
Because I also believe that forgiveness is more about letting myself be free from that hate and bitterness.
Thank you for this!
I’m glad you enjoyed this and your completely right about it 🔥🙏
Thank you so much for this !💕
Praying for the people who hurt me is definitely going to be hard but I’m willing to try
You write so beautifully. The most beautiful thing about this piece is that it refuses to make forgiveness feel cheap. Forgiveness isn’t something to be treated as easy or sentimental, but as one of the hardest and most human choices we are ever asked to make, a choice that does not erase pain, but refuses to let it define the end of the story.
I’m glad this resonated with you ❤️🙏
So insightful. Thank you for this, Gerald