What is Love?
On Love (And What It Actually Means)
It’s Valentine’s season, and everywhere you look, love is pink and red and shaped like hearts. Cards. Chocolates. Grand gestures. Declarations.
But what is love, really?
Not the Hollywood version. Not the romance novel version. Not even the “this is what we’re supposed to feel” version.
What is love when you strip away the performance?
I’ve been thinking about this lately. And I think love, real love is quieter than we’ve been led to believe. It’s in the little things. It doesn’t always have to be grand or loud.
A friend told me recently:
“Love without consideration is careless. And when you are considered, you feel safe. And safety is where love actually begins.”
That stopped me.
Because they’re right. Love isn’t just feeling. It’s action. It’s attention. It’s the daily decision to consider someone else’s needs, their fears, their wholeness and to act accordingly.
So, without further ado, let’s talk about what love actually looks like when we’re honest about it.
To Love Is to Consider
Before anything else, love is consideration.
It’s thinking about how your words will land before you say them. It’s noticing when someone’s quiet and asking if they’re okay. It’s remembering what matters to them, even when it doesn’t matter to you.
Garnet from Steven Universe said it perfectly:
“Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece.”
You’re not trying to complete someone. You’re trying to see them. To understand them. To hold space for who they are, not who you need them to be.
And that requires consideration. The kind that doesn’t come naturally when you’re tired, frustrated, or hurt. The kind you have to choose, over and over again.
When you are considered, when someone takes the time to think about you, your needs, your boundaries, your heart, you feel safe. And safety is where love actually begins.
Not passion. Not fireworks. Safety.
The knowledge that this person won’t be careless with you.
To Love Is to Give
Love is also giving.
Not just gifts (though those are nice). But giving of ourselves. Our time. Our presence. Our best efforts.
Garnet also said:
“Love at first sight doesn’t exist. Love takes time, and love takes work.”
And she’s right. Love isn’t a lightning strike. It’s a slow build. It’s showing up even when it’s inconvenient. It’s choosing someone not just when they’re easy to love, but when they’re messy, complicated, difficult.
It’s giving your attention when Netflix is more appealing. It’s giving your patience when you’re running low. It’s giving your honesty when a lie would be easier.
And let’s be clear: we’re not just talking about erotic love here. This applies to all of it. Friendships. Family. The love we have for our communities. For ourselves.
All love requires giving. And all love requires us to give thoughtfully, not just what we want to give, but what the other person actually needs.
Uncle Iroh understood this. He told Zuko:
“Perfection and power are overrated. I think you are very wise to choose happiness and love.”
Because at the end of the day, what we give in love, our time, our effort, our presence is what actually makes life worth living. Not the accolades. Not the achievements. The love.
If you made it this far and you’re thinking “this is getting deep for Valentine’s Day,” you’re right. But stick with me. And if you want to support someone trying to write honestly about love instead of just posting heart emojis, the links are at the bottom.
To Love Is to Hurt (Accidentally)
Here’s the hard part: to love is to hurt.
Not intentionally. Not cruelly. But inevitably.
Because when you love someone, your words carry more weight. Your actions have deeper meaning. And the potential to wound, even accidentally, is always there.
You can say something thoughtless, and it cuts deeper coming from you than it would from a stranger. You can forget something small, and it feels like forgetting them. You can be distracted for a day, and they wonder if something’s changed.
Love makes us vulnerable. And vulnerability means we can be hurt by the people we trust most.
Steven Universe reminds us:
“Sometimes, people that you love do things that aren’t okay.”
And it’s true. The people we love will hurt us. Not because they’re bad. But because they’re human. Because love doesn’t make us perfect, it just makes us matter to each other.
So mindfulness becomes essential. Being aware of your impact. Checking in. Apologizing when you mess up. Not because you’re walking on eggshells, but because you care enough to be careful.
To Love Is to Hurt (Inevitably)
But here’s the other truth, the one I keep coming back to:
To love is to hurt.
(Yes, I repeated it. Because perfection comes from repetition. And if you remember where and when I used this phrase, you’re a day one.)
Love doesn’t just hurt because we accidentally wound each other. It hurts because it exposes us. It brings out the parts of us that need healing.
The simple things others can say that don’t faze us? In love, they do faze us. Because love peels back the layers. It reveals the wounds we’ve been hiding. The insecurities we’ve been managing. The fears we’ve been avoiding.
And suddenly, a casual comment feels like a betrayal. A moment of distance feels like abandonment. A misunderstanding feels like proof that we were never really loved at all.
That’s not because the other person is doing something wrong. It’s because love is doing what it’s supposed to do, showing us where we’re still broken so we can heal.
Greg Universe said it plainly:
“You have to be honest about how bad it feels so you can move on.”
Love doesn’t fix us. But it reveals us. And if we let it, it can guide us toward the healing we need.
The hurt isn’t the enemy. The refusal to acknowledge it is.
Love in the Little Things
So where does that leave us?
With this: love is in the little things.
It doesn’t always have to be grand or loud. It doesn’t need to look like the movies or sound like a love song.
Sometimes love is just… consideration. Giving. Mindfulness. Showing up.
It’s texting back. It’s remembering they don’t like mushrooms. It’s staying when it would be easier to leave. It’s saying “I’m sorry” when you’re wrong and “I forgive you” when they are.
It’s safety. Not excitement. Safety.
The knowledge that you can be yourself, messy, complicated, still-healing and you won’t be abandoned for it.
When you are considered, you feel safe. And safety is where love actually begins.
Not in the fireworks. Not in the grand gestures. But in the quiet, steady knowledge that someone sees you. Really sees you. And chooses to stay anyway.
A Valentine’s Question
So here’s what I’m curious about as we step into Valentine’s season:
What does love look like for you?
Not what you think it’s supposed to look like. Not what the cards and the movies told you. But actually. In your life. In your relationships.
Where do you see consideration? Where do you give? Where have you been hurt, and where are you healing?
And more importantly: are you loving yourself the way you love others?
“But in those moments or even now when we have no one, I hope you look inwards and truly love you.”
excerpt from “Dear future significant other, wife, partner-in-crime”
Are you considering your own needs? Giving yourself time and patience? Being mindful of how you speak to yourself? Allowing yourself to heal?
Because Uncle Iroh was right:
“You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts.”
Love starts with you. And if you can’t love yourself, if you can’t be safe for yourself, how can you expect to offer that to anyone else?
Until next time,
Stay jiggy (and maybe consider someone today, including yourself).
P.S. — Happy Valentine’s season, Cabinets. However you celebrate (or don’t), remember: love is quieter, slower, and more intentional than the world wants you to believe. And that’s okay.
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“Love starts with you. And if you can’t love yourself, if you can’t be safe for yourself, how can you expect to offer that to anyone else?”
This was such a good read!!!